She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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