I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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