Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
