I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
