Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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