Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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