Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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