Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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