I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
