My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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