the condom got lost in my hair
Farmville is her only friend.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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