My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
