She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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