so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
