remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We were destined to go to rehab together
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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