I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
