Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The beer is more important than you right now.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
