You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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