Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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