1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
