My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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