so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
