I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
