I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize