Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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