I'll bet she douches with gravy.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
