First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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