don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize