just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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