Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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