She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
