We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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