I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
