thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize