Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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