my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
