so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
