These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
