You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
