Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
