Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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