I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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