How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
