The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
