I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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