i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
