God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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