My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
