Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize