I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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