She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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