I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
