I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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