call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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