I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
