When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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