I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
