So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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