her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
