best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
