Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
