I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
